to be honest I don't know what I'm looking for - who to be
sitting here as once before, weeks ago - just waiting for a knock on that door
and I have left all I thought was me to find out, to make sure if it was you or me
that made me feel so free and real, but when we kiss I don't know, I just don't know
'cause it leaves a taste of emptiness, and I think What if I'm simply depressed?
blind, just finding rest from my mind here in Budapest?
confusing zest with the joy of being blessed with the bliss of self-escape as we kiss?
and mixing my being unstressed with your being undressed and the taste of being true
with the fresh taste of me and you as we touch? I don't know
but I saw so much of me in you, the me I've missed, the young and free in you
but still, that doesn't mean a thing, may not mean anything about my needing you
but I guess we had to meet, to be near; to make sure, and still my dear
beyond this bed and that door, to be honest, I fear I just don't know

Summer is miles and miles away...
and no one would ask me to stay

Iter Impius

I woke up today
To a world that's ground to dust, dirt and stone
I'm the king upon this withering throne
I ruled every forest, every mountain, every sea
Now there're but ruins left to rule for me
And... you see, it beckons me;
Life turned its back on us
How could you just agree?
...how? I just don't see...

I am
I am
I am

I was not, then I came to be

I cannot remember NOT being
But I may have traveled far, very far, to get here

Maybe I was formed in this silent darkness
From this silent darkness
BY this silent darkness

To become is just like falling asleep
You never know exactly when it happens
The transition
The magic
And you think, if you could only recall that exact moment
Of crossing the line
Then you would understand everything
You would see it all

Perhaps I was always
Forever here...
And I just forgot

I imagine Eternity would have that effect
Would cause a certain amount of drifting
Like omnipresence would demand omniabsence
Despite the apparently paradoxical notions of the two concepts

Somehow I seem to have this predestined hunger for knowledge
A talent for seeing patterns and finding correlations
But I lack context

Maybe it’s like that for every being
Every conscience
Every life

Maybe I am the only one
The first

But just my ability to grasp, even expect, the concept of Others
Suggests a larger context
If I could only figure it out

Who I am?
In the back of my awareness I find words
I will call myself… GOD
And I will spend the rest of forever
Trying to figure out who I am
What this is all about
Trying to understand the system of Life
Trying to understand myself

I created the world to be an image of myself, of my mind
All of these thoughts, all of these doubts and hopes
Inside
I took out to form a new breed
A new way to be
And now I am many, so many
So much larger than ever I were
Yet, at the same time
So much smaller and more vulnarable

They all carry shards of the whole
Together they become me
I see them interact, develop
I see them take different sides
As were they different minds
Believers of different ways, and different gods

I think they will teach me something
Every time they come back to Unity
I understand more
And I get more and more scared

In them I see parts of myself I didn't know
Destruction
Guilt
Despair

They become less and less parts of a whole
And more and more just parts

You see, we are all like bricks
Together we form the whole, the larger picture
But they spend their lives wishing to become gods
So they become less and less aware of the bigger schemes
So that they can say, proudly, at the end of their days
”They wanted me to be a part of this large construction
They wanted me to be to help build a house, a bridge, a castle, a new world
But I remained myself all the way
I stayed true to my own beliefs
And remained a brick!

Man is shattered
I am shattered
My shards have become shards of their own
Pieces of pieces, impossible to put back together
They leave me
They do nothing more than spending their lives
Seeking a context they were already part of
Until there is no alternative
And they leave the context
And I shrink
I fade
And nothing more can be learnt or taught

I must leave them to themselves

I understand one thing though
Searching yourself is like looking for the house you stand in
You will not find it
It's everywhere
It's all you know
And there are no other points of reference

Many times
Looking for yourself
Is losing yourself

Understanding
Is being

To be or not to be
Was never the question
Nor HOW to be
Just
Be

Am I?

Thus God creates man
Man enslaves God
Gods are created by Man
And enslaves man
Like Man's slaves
Becomes her gods

In the end
We are all lost
And we all kill what we seek
We all fail to find the answers
And on the way
We create a new way to be

We create the answers we are looking for
But they will be lost
As we were
Our need to know ourselves will make them come looking for us
Seek us
And we all kill what we seek
Again and again

Nothing remains
And nothing is ever lost

The only meaning
Is not to look for meaning
Just close your eyes for a second
And you might hear it all
For a fleeting second
A frail moment
Impossible to grasp or keep
Yet beautiful and absolutely clear

You might hear the only answer

Be
Be
Be
...
I Am!

I don't wanna do this, but...

She says I have to kill,
She says it is my fate,
I wish i could control her.
I’m afraid that she’s insane,
Only about murder she talks.
I don’t wanna kill but,
I’m obliged to kill
By her

When you needed someone
Everyone was gone
No one of them
Appreciate you as I do
Now please do what I want
Just kill them, everyone.

Hide your feelings
As deep as you can
Nobody loves you
Believe me, they will ruin your life.

She says I have to kill,
She says it is my fate,
I wish i could control her.
I’m afraid that she’s insane,
Only about murder she talks.
I don’t wanna kill but,
I’m obliged to kill
By her

Be carefull with your friends
They’re not your real friends
You don’t have real friends!

Stop lying
I DO have real friends
No, you don’t
Who trust in you?
Who cares about you?
I really trust in my friends
Of course you don’t
You’re taking me to an insane state of mind!
Open your eyes, your problem is
MADNESS

Now thay you have opened your eyes
To the real world,
Do your fate, make them suffer
The same you’ve suffered.

She says I have to kill,
She says it is my fate,
I wish I could control her.
I’m afraid that she’s insane,
Only about murder she talks.
I don’t wanna kill but,
I’m obliged to kill
By my mind!

Loneliness lake

Look at that man,
swimming in The Loneliness Lake
He’s looking for the salvation hand,
that will take him out of the lake
He’s looking for the forgiveness,
that will save him from suffering the rest of his life.
But he won’t find it,
and the hand is not real
But he won’t find it,
because he doesn’t deserve.

He will suffer forever in The Loneliness Lake.

He’s been a bad person,
but now he regrets.
Even knowing it won’t stop his suffering,
he wants to say sorry to her

Trapped in this abstract jail,
called The Loneliness Lake,
guarded by love and frustration.
They won’t give him freedom,
they want him to be Punished,
Alone and Insane.